Dear Amy: About two years ago, I messaged Bradley on social media. (They were both gay.)
I complimented him on some photos he posted.
He texted me back, which led to constant texts, which then led to phone calls. What struck me was how often she took the initiative. I would text in the morning and afternoon. The phone calls could last two or three hours, on a daily basis.
He told me he shared more of his life with me than anyone else.
After several months of almost daily calls and texts I told him I love him. He said the same to me. He has really become a part of my life. We talked about meeting.
He recently landed a job in the West, which means moving from his home state to the East.
I live in the Midwest.
Now my insecurities are taking hold. There will be big changes in her life, with a move and a new job. I can imagine him meeting in person other guys that he has been in contact with.
I came into her life during a hiatus due to the pandemic.
He assured me we will stay in touch. She says I mean a lot to him and deeply appreciate all I have done to help and support him.
My fear is that I will eventually be left out. This happened once in my life and it hurt me deeply.
I\’m trying to grapple with the idea that things went well with us for a reason and a season.
How do I handle this? I want her to be happy.
How can I let go and not cling or dump my fears on him?
Uncertain
Dear unsure: You have developed a strong attachment to Bradley, and like all strong bonds, attachment itself can be something of a trap, because it can hold you down, preventing you from forming and enjoying other relationships and activities.
Bradley is the dominant person in your relationship and the lack of balance is why you feel insecure right now.
You should continue to assume that as his life changes, so will your relationship with him. You seem to understand that insecurity could push your love object away. Yet you really need to understand that your primary loyalty must be to yourself, your health and your progress in this world. This progress will not happen when you are anxious and hurt.
You portrayed Bradley as a compelling player who likely formed strong bonds with other men. You know that if he really wanted to meet you in person, he would. (Is he a romance scam? You should consider this possibility.)
The way to deal with this painful uncertainty is to decide to expand your world, develop affirmative interests outside of this relationship, engage in contact less often, and move from love object to friend.
Dear Amy: I am in my early 20s and live at home. I\’m paying rent to my parents, but the money I pay includes nothing but the room.
This doesn\’t feel right to me and I would really appreciate hearing what you think.
Renter at home
Dear Renter: You just described the rent. When you rent, you pay the homeowner for the roof over your head. That\’s all.
When you\’re a kid, your parents provide all the extras, but for adults, food, cooking, cleaning, and laundry are what happens in a hotel.
Once you accept this reality, you should do some research to see if you\’re able to afford the rent and living expenses elsewhere. You may find that even without the extras you are benefiting from the lower cost of living at home.
Many young people use this transition period at home as a way to aggressively save money toward the higher cost of living elsewhere.
Dear Amy: I was intrigued by the question from Judgmental Teen, who is a high schooler who is very concerned about her harsh assessments of her peers\’ clothing.
I was shocked by this joke of yours: The words you use to describe other girls (slut and whore) are rude and sexist, while the words you use to describe guys are much less offensive. This is an example of how misogyny has permeated our culture.
Thanks for pointing out how we internalized it. She didn\’t occur to me until I read it.
Grateful
Dear Grateful: No one should be using this language and I appreciated this teenager\’s honesty in reporting that she does.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @akingmy or Facebook.)
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